How To Wear a Condom
OVERVIEW
VIDEO DEMONSTRATION
QUALITY CHECK
Always check the date on the condom pack and never use any condom that is past its expiry date.
Make sure that the condom you are using has the CE mark.
STORAGE
Keep your condoms away from heat, light, and damp as these can damage them. Carry them in a safe place.
OPENING
Open the packet carefully by pulling down on the serrated edge. Watch out for nails, jewelry, etc., as these can easily damage condoms.
PUTTING ON
The penis should be fully erect before putting on a condom.
With one hand, squeeze the tip of the condom between thumb and finger to get rid of all of the air at the tip.
Put the condom on the penis with the other hand and roll it all the way down. Be sure to put it on with the roll on the outside.
SAFE LUBRICANTS
Only water-based lubricants should be used with condoms.
DO NOT USE!
Never use anything oil-based, such as Vaseline or baby oil, as these will rot the condom and may result in it ripping or tearing more easily.
AFTER EJACULATION
The penis should be withdrawn immediately after ejaculation. The condom should be held firmly at the base of the penis while withdrawing to stop it from coming off or leaking.
DISPOSAL
Knot the base of the condom,
check for any tears,
wrap it in a tissue,
and throw it in a bin.
Do not throw it in the toilet as condoms won't flush.
Further Resources
I’m worried I might have or catch an STI
OVERVIEW
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS
People under the age of 29 have the highest rates of STIs in Ireland. Sex can be fun and enjoyable, but if you want to stay healthy, you need to take precautions. When you have unprotected sexual contact with a person you may pick up a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI) from them. A person who has an STI can pass it on to another person without even realising. STIs are increasing in Ireland. The best way to avoid them is to know about them and protect yourself.
WHO IS AT RISK?
Anyone who has had physical sexual contact with another person is at risk of an STI. STIs are on the increase in Ireland. Some STIs may not show any symptoms but that does not mean they are not causing damage. Chlamydia, for example, often shows no symptoms but can lead to problems with fertility. It is important to have an STI screening if you have unprotected sexual contact with a partner whose STI status you don’t know. You can get an STI the first time you have sex. You do not need to have penetrative sex to contract an STI.
STI PREVENTION FOR LESBIAN, BISEXUAL AND PANSEXUAL GIRLS AND WOMEN AND PEOPLE ASSIGNED FEMALE AT BIRTH
It is essential that you have considered how to protect yourself from STIs before you have any physical sexual contact with another person. Whatever your sexual orientation, if you are sexually active, you are at risk of contracting a STI. If you do not have access to dental dams, you can make them by cutting up condoms - see the image below. You can avail of free condoms from the Sexual Health Centre.
STI PREVENTION FOR PEOPLE ASSIGNED MALE AT BIRTH
To protect yourself from STIs, it is always necessary to use a condom for penetrative sex. Some people use PrEP to protect themselves from HIV (see the HIV section below). It is important to remember that PrEP will not protect against other STIs. Only condoms can prevent transmission of other STIs. You can avail of condom demonstrations and free condoms from the Sexual Health Centre.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVE AN STI?
Often you can have an STI and show no symptoms. It is possible to have more than one STI at a time. The only way to find out if you have an STI is to be tested.
Some of the most common symptoms are:
No symptoms! Many people who have an STI have no symptoms and do not know that they have an STI - this is why it’s important to get tested.
Some people may display the following symptoms:
Unusual or unpleasant discharge
from your vagina, penis or anus.
Pain or burning when urinating.
Unusual pain during sex.
Pain and swelling of the groin area and testes.
Irritation, rashes, sore patches, lumps around
the genitals or anus.
YOU CAN HAVE AN STI AND NOT KNOW IT
You cannot tell if someone has an STI just by looking at them. People sometimes describe having no STIs as being ‘clean’. This language creates prejudice and stigma towards people who have an STI, by implying that they are not ‘clean’. If a person gets an STI it does not mean that they are dirty. It just means that they have a medical condition that needs attention. Try to use phrases such as ‘free of STIs’ or ‘clear of STIs’ instead of saying clean.
HOW CAN YOU REDUCE THE RISK OF STIS?
Condoms help protect against most STIs, so use them correctly every time you have sex.
Avoid oral sex if you or your partner has sores on the mouth, gums or genitals.
Use (flavoured) condoms to make oral sex safer.
Anal sex is a high risk activity for STI transmission. You must always use a good quality condom and lubricant.
Be careful if using alcohol or other drugs, as they can make you do things that you might regret and leave you more open to taking risks.
Have regular check-ups for STIs. We recommend that sexually active people get tested at least once a year.
You and your partner should have STI screenings before starting a new relationship.
If you are worried that you may have an STI, get tested. Check the end of this booklet for contact details.
WHERE CAN YOU GET TESTED?
Your local STI Clinic offers a free and confidential screening and treatment. The clinics can be busy so it is best to telephone as most clinics work by an appointment only basis. You can contact the organisations listed on the back cover of this booklet for information on the services in your area.
GOING TO AN STI CLINIC
The window period is the length of time you need to wait to make sure that your result is accurate. If a Sexually Transmitted Infection has been passed on, it will take time before the infection is visible in a medical examination i.e. the infection won’t show up on a test straight away, so you may need to wait days, weeks or months before getting a test. Each infection requires a different ‘window period’.
MOST COMMON STIS
Some STIs are caused by a virus (genital warts, HIV, hepatitis A, hepatitis B and herpes), and other STIs are caused by bacteria (chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis) or by skin contact (pubic lice, crabs). Some of the more common STIs in Ireland are genital warts and chlamydia. Other STIs include trichomoniasis (pronounced tric- o-mon-i-uh-sus), non-specific urethritis (NSU), syphilis (pronounced sif-ill-is) and hepatitis. You can get more information about them on www.sexualhealthcentre.com/stis, or read about some of the most common STI’s in Ireland below. It is advisable to get tested regularly if you are sexually active, or if you have ever had unprotected sex, or if a condom broke or ripped.
CHLAMYDIA 101
HIV TRANSMISSION
ANO-GENITAL WARTS
Ano-genital warts are caused by a virus (the human papilloma virus). Warts can be small or large lumps. The warts that people sometimes get on their hands can not be transferred to genitals.
Why should you care?
Ano-genital warts are the second most reported STI in Ireland. You can pass on the wart virus easily by skin-to-skin contact. Warts are easy to treat but the wart virus can sometimes be in your body for about a year before you see any growths. You could pass it on without even knowing you have it. Once you get the wart virus it may remain in your body forever and warts may reappear even after removal.
What can you do about them?
Warts can be removed or treated at a clinic. It may take a few treatments at a clinic to remove them.
Further Resources
Not sure which contraception is right for me.
CONTRACEPTION
Contraception is used to prevent transmission of Sexually Transmitted Infections and unwanted pregnancy. Contraception is often discussed in a heteronormative way - i.e. people who are not heterosexual are often not included in conversations about contraception. This is due to misinformation and a lack of understanding. Whatever your sexual orientation or gender, if you are sexually active, you are at risk of contracting a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI). Hormonal contraception works by stopping the female eggs from being released from the ovaries. It is important to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages of each method and find one that meets your particular needs. You can go to your GP or contact the Sexual Health Centre for more information on contraception. Please note that some GPs may require that a guardian is informed before prescribing contraception to people under the age of 17.
BARRIER CONTRACEPTION
CONDOMS
These work by stopping the male sperm from reaching a female egg and preventing fertilisation. They are considered to be 98% effective against pregnancy when properly used. (See our condom checklist).
DENTAL DAM
This is a sheet of latex that is used to cover the vulva during oral sex. A dental dam protects against Sexually Transmitted Infections. Dental dams are often more expensive to purchase compared to condoms. By cutting a condom open, you can use it as a dental dam. At the end of this section, you can see how to make your own dental dam by cutting up a condom.
THE DIAPHRAGM (THE CAP)
The diaphragm is a dome of thick rubber which fits inside the vagina over the cervix. It acts as a barrier to stop the sperm reaching an egg. It must be inserted prior to sex and left in for a number of hours after sex. The diaphragm must be used in conjunction with spermicidal gel. It must be specially fitted for each individual person. The diaphragm does not provide protection against Sexually Transmitted Infections.
WITHDRAWAL (PULLING OUT) IS NOT A FORM OF CONTRACEPTION.
Withdrawal (pulling out) is not a form of contraception. Some people think that if you have sexual intercourse and withdraw the penis from the vagina before ejaculation, that there is no risk. This is not true as fluid containing sperm (precum) comes out of the top of the penis when it is erect and this can cause pregnancy and STIs.
CONTRACEPTION METHODS FOR BOYS, MEN AND PEOPLE ASSIGNED MALE AT BIRTH (AMAB)
Contraception methods for boys, men and people assigned male at birth (AMAB) are limited to condoms and vasectomy operations. While potential hormonal contraception methods have been studied since the 1970s, none are yet commercially available and it’s likely that we won’t see a commercially available product yet for many years.
CONDOM CHECKLIST
Always check the date on the packet and never use any condom that is passed its ‘use by’ date.
Make sure that the condom you are using has a safety mark e.g. ‘CE’.
Keep your condoms away from heat, light and damp as these can damage them. Wallets and pockets can expose a condom to heat and friction so they are not good places to store your condoms.
Open the packet carefully and watch out for nails, jewellery etc. as they can tear a condom easily.
Wait for the penis to go hard. With one hand, squeeze the tip of the condom with your thumb and finger to get rid of all of the air at the tip. Put the condom on the penis with the other hand and roll it all the way down. Be sure to put it on with the roll on the outside.
If you need lubricant (to add wetness) make sure it is a water-based lubricant. Never use anything that is oil based such as Vaseline, baby oil etc. as these will rot the condom very quickly so it will not protect you.
Withdraw the penis straightaway after ejaculation.
Hold the condom firmly at the base of the penis to stop any leaks.
Knot the base of the condom, check for any tears, wrap it in a tissue and throw it in the bin.
Do not throw it down the toilet, as condoms won’t flush!
Always only use one condom at a time and do not re-use.
If you’ve never used a condom before, practice by yourself first.
For more information on how to use condoms and lubricant, check the link below: www.sexualhealthcentre.com/relationships-and-sex
HORMONAL CONTRACEPTION
Hormonal contraception is prescribed by a doctor for girls, women, and people assigned female at birth.
THE PILL
The pill works by stopping eggs being released from the ovaries. It must always be taken as prescribed and never shared with friends even if they are on the pill also. If taken correctly (every day) the pill is considered to be 99% effective against pregnancy. If you have been vomiting or you forget to take the pill you may not be protected. It is important to always use a condom for 7-10 days afterwards. The pill does not provide any protection against Sexually Transmitted Infections.
THE PATCH
Patches are thin, beige and about the size of a matchbox. They work by releasing hormones through the skin which stop the eggs from being released from the ovaries. They can be applied to various parts of the body but should not be put on the breasts or anywhere above the neck. They are used for three of the four weeks of the cycle and are changed weekly. Patches do not provide protection against Sexually Transmitted Infections.
IMPLANTS (ALSO KNOWN AS THE BAR)
These are flexible tubes containing a hormone. They prevent ovulation and are a long term contraceptive, lasting up to 3 years. They are placed under the skin on the inside of the arm by a doctor. Implants do not provide protection against Sexually Transmitted Infections.
CONTRACEPTIVE INJECTIONS
These injections slowly release the hormone progestogen. They work by stopping ovulation and prevent fertilisation. Each injection lasts for 8-12 weeks. Contraceptive injections do not provide protection against Sexually Transmitted Infections.
THE INTRAUTERINE DEVICE (IUD) (ALSO KNOWN AS THE COIL)
The IUD (or coil) is a small piece of plastic and copper placed inside the womb by a doctor. The Mirena and JayDez IUDs are plastic and contain hormones. This method is normally prescribed to people who have already experienced a pregnancy. It lasts for 3-10 years. The IUD does not provide protection against Sexually Transmitted Infections.
EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION (ALSO KNOWN AS THE MORNING AFTER PILL)
This can be used if you had sex without contraception or if you think your contraception may not have worked. Emergency contraception is a high dose of hormone which can stop ovulation and /or makes the womb shed its lining to prevent fertilisation. There are two types of emergency contraception pills that are available from pharmacies and GPs.
Progesterone (must be taken within 72 hours /3 days).
Ulipristal (must be taken within 120 hours /5 days).
The earlier emergency contraception is taken (within 24 hours), the more effective it will be. You can buy either type of pill in a pharmacy without a prescription.
The pharmacist will ask you some questions to check that you are not on any other medications that will make the morning after pill less effective and to make sure that it is safe for you to take it. Emergency contraception is not a substitute for regular contraception - it should be used only as an emergency solution. Emergency contraception does not provide any protection from Sexually Transmitted Infections
HORMONAL CONTRACEPTION IS NOT SUITABLE FOR SOME PEOPLE
including people with high blood pressure, as it can increase the risk of forming blood clots. For this reason, a doctor should take your blood pressure and ask about your medical history before prescribing any contraceptives.
HORMONAL CONTRACEPTION SIDE EFFECTS AND RISKS
Each type of hormonal contraception has its own set of side effects and risks. These side effects might be severe in some people and non-existent in others. If you are using hormonal contraception and feel unwell (physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually), do not suffer in silence! Discuss other contraceptive options with your GP.
NOT JUST FOR BIRTH CONTROL
Hormonal contraception is not just used for birth control - some people use it to regulate their periods, or to minimise acne, or to deal with other medical issues.
CONTRACEPTION FOR BISEXUAL AND PANSEXUAL GIRLS AND WOMEN AND PEOPLE ASSIGNED FEMALE AT BIRTH
No matter what your sexual orientation is, it is essential that you have considered how to protect yourself from Sexually Transmitted Infections before you have any physical sexual contact with another person. If you do not have access to dental dams, you can make them by cutting up condoms (see the image below.) You can avail of free condoms from the Sexual Health Centre. If you usually are not sexually interested in boys, you might not consider the risk of unplanned pregnancy. However, it is important to remember that any unprotected penetrative vaginal sex with someone who has a penis can lead to unplanned pregnancy.
CONTRACEPTION FOR PEOPLE ASSIGNED FEMALE AT BIRTH UNDERGOING HORMONE THERAPY
• Hormone therapy is not an effective form of contraception. Even if hormone therapy has caused your periods to stop, you may still be ovulating, which means that you can still become pregnant.
•Hormonal contraception and testosterone (hormone therapy) can be used together. Some people may not prefer this method due to concerns about having estrogen in their system.
CONTRACEPTION FOR PEOPLE ASSIGNED MALE AT BIRTH UNDERGOING HORMONE THERAPY
• Hormone therapy is not an effective form of contraception. Hormone therapies do not always stop sperm from developing in the testicles, which means that you can still impregnate someone.
• You should not take hormonal contraception that is intended for people assigned female at birth. Instead, use a barrier contraception (e.g. condoms).
RECENT HISTORY OF CONTRACEPTION AND IRISH LAW
While owning and using contraceptives was always legal, laws restricting the sale of contraceptives meant that many Irish women and men drove across the border into the North of Ireland to bring back illegal contraceptives.
In 1971, the Irish Women’s Liberation Movement published the “Chains or Change” booklet, calling for contraception access (and an end to other human rights abuses faced by Irish women). They travelled to Belfast in the North of Ireland (where contraception was legal). They returned to the Republic of Ireland on the ‘contraceptive train’, waving contraceptives at the (very upset) custom officials.
From 1978 - 1985 the Irish law allowed the provision of contraceptives under prescription only.
In 1985, the law was updated to allow condoms and spermicides to be sold without prescription, but under strict regulation and only in medical settings.
In 1990, the Irish Family Planning Agency (IFPA) was prosecuted for illegal sale of condoms at Virgin Megastore (a music/record shop in Dublin). Despite legal repercussions, the IFPA continued to sell condoms at the Virgin Megastore, arguing that, due to the AIDS crisis, they had “a duty to save people’s lives”.
1992: Condoms could be sold in retail outlets to people over the age of 17.
1993: The age restriction on the purchase of condoms was removed.
Today in Ireland, there is a variety of contraception available. However, it is not always accessible, because it is not affordable for many people. A survey by the United Nations’ reproductive health agency (UNFPA) found that 11 per cent of women in Ireland were still facing an “unmet need” for contraception, with cost of contraception being the main barrier.
Further Resources
How can I have safer sex?
OVERVIEW
SEXUAL ACTIVITIES
Puberty brings changes in feelings as well as bodily changes. Sexual desire becomes a more important part of healthy social and personal relationships. It helps you to understand your own thoughts and feelings so you know what is right for you. Sex can be one of life’s greatest pleasures. But it can also be very disappointing, frustrating or embarrassing. It can make you feel very vulnerable. It helps if we understand our sexuality and can communicate with our partners. Intimacy takes time and familiarity.
BY YOURSELF
Masturbation refers to stimulating your own genitals, usually with your hands or a sex toy. It is perfectly normal and safe. Knowing how your own body gets turned on can really help, if and when you do have sex with someone. If you know what you like then you can show the other person what works for you. Orgasm is the climax or peak of sexual excitement. It usually involves pleasurable feelings and rhythmic contractions of the muscles. Ejaculation is the expulsion of fluid from the genitals. Usually, people assigned male at birth orgasm and ejaculate at the same time. For people assigned female at birth, ejaculation of fluid is not always associated with orgasm. This means that many girls, women and people assigned female at birth may require stimulation of the clitoris with fingers or sex toys to reach orgasm. This is why it’s helpful to get to know your own body and what kind of stimulation you enjoy, before sharing sexual experiences with others.
WITH OTHERS
Most sexual experiences will start with a kiss or at least include kissing at some point. Everyone has their own individual style of kissing, so when you’re still getting used to your own kissing style, it can help to start slow and gently! Sex is not just about having sexual intercourse. It can include lots of things like kissing, touching, fondling, mutual masturbation (stimulating another person’s genitals), or self-masturbation. Safer sex involves giving and receiving ongoing consent, and giving and receiving sexual pleasure without passing semen, vaginal fluids or blood into your or your partner’s body. Safer sex ensures that everyone involved is fully respected and protected. It prevents unexpected pregnancies and transmission of STIs (see section on STIs below).
ORAL SEX
Oral sex is using the mouth or tongue to arouse the genitals of a sexual partner. Oral sex can be given and received by people of all genders. Oral sex is a personal preference - some people love it and others don’t like it at all. It is important that you are comfortable with what you do. Do not give oral sex if you have cold sores, as you could spread herpes (see section on STIs). Flavoured condoms can be used for oral sex.
VAGINAL SEX
Vaginal sex involves the penetration of a person’s vagina, with another person’s fingers, penis, or a sex toy.
ANAL SEX
Anal sex involves the penetration of a person’s anus, usually with another person’s penis, sex toy or fingers. If you are having anal sex it is very important to use a good quality condom and lubricant. It is important that you are comfortable with what you do. You should never feel pressurised into doing things you are not happy about.
SEXUAL ACTIVITY CHECKLIST
The age of consent for sexual intercourse is 17. Before sharing any sexual experience with another person, such as mutual masturbation, oral sex, or any of the other activities listed in this booklet, it might be helpful to see if the statements below are true for you: My potential sexual partner and I have had conversations about using condoms and contraception. We have discussed the implications of becoming pregnant (if that is a risk for my sexual partner and I). I want to take part in a sexual activity for myself, not just because someone else wants me to or thinks I should. We have discussed what we would do if the condom bursts or rips. We can have fun together without actually having sex. I am not being forced or pressured to have sex. In our relationship (or friendship), I feel like it would be completely accepted if I say no to any particular physical or sexual interaction. I feel like there is no pressure at all to do anything that I don’t feel comfortable and excited about. I feel comfortable and confident saying no or yes to any physical interactions. You probably won’t be ready for sex until you can tick all these boxes but remember even once you are ready – it still doesn’t mean you have to! If you have already had sex, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex again any time soon! You can take some time out if you prefer.
PREGNANCY
Sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy. If you are worried about getting pregnant, talk to someone you trust or contact an organisation listed at the back of this booklet for help. It is especially important to seek out support if you do not have support from your family or friends. You will also find useful information in this booklet in the section about your menstrual cycle. You can get pregnant at any stage during your menstrual cycle.
HOW DOES PREGNANCY START?
Conception begins when the male sperm and female egg meet and unite in the female fallopian tubes. Conception is the start of pregnancy. A full-term pregnancy lasts for approximately nine months before the birth of a baby. Ovulation is when the egg is released from the ovary. This is the time you are most likely to get pregnant. It usually happens around 11 to 16 days into your menstrual cycle. However every person is different, so do not take this for granted. Get to know your own cycle. The sperm is ejaculated into the vagina during sexual intercourse. If the egg is fertilised (when the male sperm meets the female ovum), it travels up the fallopian tube to the uterus where it embeds in the lining. Hundreds of millions of sperm are ejaculated but it just takes a single sperm to fertilise the female egg. There are two ovaries, one at the end of each fallopian tube. They produce and store the eggs (ova). Each egg has the potential to be fertilised by a sperm.
SAFER SEX
While many of the acts highlighted above can be highly pleasurable and fun, it’s important to consider how to keep yourself and your partner(s) as safe as possible during and after sex. All sexual activity, by reason of close contact, carries some risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and some may risk an unplanned pregnancy. However, all these risks can be greatly reduced by practising safer sex. Safer sex practices should be based on the risks of the activity rather than a person’s sexual orientation. Someone’s sexual orientation may or may not be reflected in their sexual activity or choice of sexual partner. For instance, women who identify as lesbian or bisexual may choose to not be sexually active, or may choose to be sexually active with men and non-binary partners. If any of our sexual activity carries a risk of STIs or an unplanned pregnancy, it’s important for us to consider suitable precautions to look after our sexual health.
TIPS
• For LBQ women, some sexual activities where bodily fluids are exchanged are considered more high risk, examples include scissoring, vaginal, oral and anal sex.
• Touching your partner’s genitalia before or after touching yourself without washing hands heightens risk of transmitting STIs. Be sure to always follow safe hygiene practices.
• Don’t share sex toys, or if you do, you can reduce the risk of an infection by washing the sex toy properly between each person’s use, or by applying a new condom for each use.
• Some types of sexual activity while menstruating can put you at higher risk of contracting STIs.
• Always use contraception if sexual activity could result in an unplanned pregnancy.
• Douching (washing/cleaning out the inside of the vagina with water or other types of fluids) is not advised as it can disrupt the natural, healthy bacterial levels in your vagina.
• Peeing after penetrative vaginal sex can help you avoid urinary tract infections (UTIs).
Further Resources
Am I really ready to have sex?
OVERVIEW
HEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
You might not have any examples in your life of healthy romantic relationships that you can relate to or look up to - particularly if you identify as LGBTI+. Not having any examples or ‘role models’ of a healthy relationship in real life can make it harder to recognise the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships. You can always ask for support or advice at the Sexual Health Centre. If you do experience unhealthy relationships and make mistakes, it can be upsetting and confusing. Thankfully the pain that can come from unhealthy relationships does not have to last forever because you can learn from it, and use it to figure out what worked and what didn’t work and how you might change your boundaries, behaviour or standards. No regrets - just learning moments!
THERE IS NO STANDARD DATING TIMELINE
If you don’t feel any romantic interest in anyone, and/or if you don’t receive any romantic interest from others, it can feel like it will never happen. This can be especially disappointing if your friends are starting to spend time with other people romantically. Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re not doing the same things as your friends. This is no indication at all of what the rest of your life will look like and the kind of connections you will have with people in the future. Also, don’t feel pressure to care about relationships and dating if it’s not a priority for you! What’s important right now is that you can figure out what would/does make you feel good, and don’t lower your standards just because you may not have it yet.
* If you do not have any person in your life who you can trust and ask for advice, you can contact the Sexual Health Centre about any concerns you have. If we do not provide the support or service that you need, we can advise you on another organisation that can support you.
KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT
Some people who rush into sexual activity or don’t make their own choices often feel hurt and confused afterwards. Having unplanned sex also means that you may risk pregnancy and/or Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), even if it’s your first time participating in any sexual activity. Some people get caught up in behaviour that they do not really enjoy or want but continue doing it because it’s familiar i.e. they have never tried to behave a different way, or don’t believe that they can behave differently. Masturbation can be a useful way to explore what excites your body – you can read more about masturbation under the ‘Sexual Activities’ section. If you start your sexual life in a way that you are not comfortable or happy about afterwards, you can change your behaviour. You can say no at any stage in a relationship or interaction, if that is what you want. You are more likely to enjoy your sexual experiences if you wait until you feel ready and you want it for yourself, not to please other people. If you decide not to have sex, that is absolutely okay and you should not let others pressure you. People sometimes say that “everyone is doing it”, but that is not true.
RECENT HISTORY OF CONSENT AND IRISH LAW
Ireland has a very negative history regarding consent and the right to control what happens to your own body. This is interlinked with the history of shame in Irish society about sexuality and sexual health, and the historical, institutional abuse of the sexual health rights of women and sexual minorities.
• Until 1990, Irish law said that a man could not be found guilty of rape if the person being abused was his wife. This meant that women in Ireland were not legally protected from assault, and men were protected by law if they assaulted their wives.
• Until 2017, Irish law did not have any clear statement to define what counted as consent to a sexual activity.
• Many people who suffer rape and other sexual assaults are reluctant to report the crime because they do not trust the legal system, and because of the judgement in Irish society towards people who report sexual assault.
SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
The age of consent for sexual intercourse in Ireland is 17. After puberty you may experience new sexual thoughts and feelings. You may begin to feel sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex, same sex or both. You may become curious about sex and start experimenting when you feel you are ready and prepared. Being sexually healthy requires having a positive, informed and respectful approach to your own (and other people’s) sexuality and needs.
SEXUALITY
Sexuality is a fundamental part of being human. It means much more than sex and sexual intercourse. It is what drives us to develop relationships where we can be sensual, loving and intimate. It influences our thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Our feelings about sexuality are an important influence on our sexual health. The Sexuality Wheel (created by Alberta Health Services) below shows how much sexuality is intertwined with other parts of ourselves and our lives. Each part of the wheel represents a part of who we are, and shows how these parts are all connected. The boxes on the left side of the wheel show who we are by nature, while the ones on the right show who we are taught or who we learn to be. When all parts of the wheel are healthy, our sexuality is healthy.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual orientation refers to who we feel attracted to. Heterosexual people (straight) are attracted to people of the opposite sex or gender; homosexual people (gay or lesbian) are attracted to people of the same sex or gender; bisexual people are attracted to people of both sexes or genders. Pansexual people are attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender. It may be difficult to be open about your sexual feelings. “Coming out” is a process of accepting yourself and deciding when to share your orientation with others. This process can be daunting, exciting and confusing and you may feel isolated from others at times. What is important is that you know you are not alone. There are many people who have gone through what you are going through. If you need advice, or if you just want to talk to someone about how you are feeling, you can contact the Sexual Health Centre or one of the other organisations listed at the end of this booklet.
VIRGINITY
Virginity is an idea (or lots of different ideas). It is not a medical concept. What you consider to be virginity is usually influenced by your cultural background and religious upbringing, so virginity means different things to different people. There is a lot of false information regarding what virginity is, and who is or is not a virgin. For example, some think that people are virgins unless they have had sex involving a penis inserted into a vagina, but this way of thinking excludes lots of different sexual activities. It is also a heteronormative view of sex i.e., this way of thinking often excludes or ignores people who are not heterosexual. The concept of virginity has also been used to judge women and people assigned female at birth, and label them as ‘pure’, ‘prudish’, ‘respectable’, ‘unworthy of respect’ etc. This is a very harmful, incorrect and sexist viewpoint. Being sexually active or not sexually active is not an indicator of whether someone is worthy of respect. The concept of ‘virginity’ is outdated and irrelevant in many ways. What matters is that you feel comfortable and informed about your sexuality and the decisions you make regarding sexual activity (i.e. doing or not doing whatever is right for you). Some girls, women and people assigned female at birth become concerned about their hymen breaking, and its connection to virginity. However, the hymen may be broken as a result of lots of day-to-day activities. It has nothing to do with ‘proving’ your virginity.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO START YOUR SEXUAL LIFE?
It might seem weird but this is an important question. Many people may just have sex with someone because they don’t want to say no or be left out. You do not need to prove anything to anyone regarding your sexuality, or sex life. Prioritise becoming comfortable with your own body and sexuality first. If you feel ready, comfortable, safe and excited to share a sexual experience with others, you will be much more likely to enjoy the experience. There is no rush!
SEX IS MUCH MORE THAN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
While there is no set pattern to good sexual relationships, you can have fun, be safe and learn useful skills by not rushing into physical sexual activity. Flirting, chatting up, hanging out, dating, breaking up, touching, holding hands, kissing, talking, fondling outside clothes, fondling under clothes, stimulating of genitals etc. are all part of developing sexual relationships. It is also important to remember that sexual activity is an experience, not a performance! It can be a lovely, fun and exciting experience to share with someone, and you do not ever need to ‘act’ as though you are enjoying it if you would prefer to stop or just go slow.
SEXUAL ACTIVITY CHECKLIST
The age of consent for sexual intercourse is 17. Before sharing any sexual experience with another person, such as mutual masturbation, oral sex, or any of the other activities listed in this booklet, it might be helpful to see if
the statements below are true for you:
My potential sexual partner and I have had conversations about using condoms and contraception.
We have discussed the implications of becoming pregnant (if that is a risk for my sexual partner and I).
I want to take part in a sexual activity for myself, not just because someone else wants me to or thinks I should.
We have discussed what we would do if the condom bursts or rips.
We can have fun together without actually having sex.
I am not being forced or pressured to have sex.
In our relationship (or friendship), I feel like it would be completely accepted if I say no to any particular physical or sexual interaction. I feel like there is no pressure at all to do anything that I don’t feel comfortable and excited about.
I feel comfortable and confident saying no or yes to any physical interactions.
You probably won’t be ready for sex until you can tick all these boxes but remember even once you are ready – it still doesn’t mean you have to! If you have already had sex, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex again any time soon! You can take some time out if you prefer.
PREGNANCY
Sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy. If you are worried about getting pregnant, talk to someone you trust or contact an organisation listed at the back of this booklet for help. It is especially important to seek out support if you do not have support from your family or friends. You will also find useful information in this booklet in the section about your menstrual cycle. You can get pregnant at any stage during your menstrual cycle.
HOW DOES PREGNANCY START?
Conception begins when the male sperm and female egg meet and unite in the female fallopian tubes. Conception is the start of pregnancy. A full-term pregnancy lasts for approximately nine months before the birth of a baby. Ovulation is when the egg is released from the ovary. This is the time you are most likely to get pregnant. It usually happens around 11 to 16 days into your menstrual cycle.However every person is different, so do not take this for granted. Get to know your own cycle. The sperm is ejaculated into the vagina during sexual intercourse. If the egg is fertilised (when the male sperm meets the female ovum), it travels up the fallopian tube to the uterus where it embeds in the lining. Hundreds of millions of sperm are ejaculated but it just takes a single sperm to fertilise the female egg. There are two ovaries, one at the end of each fallopian tube. They produce and store the eggs (ova). Each egg has the potential to be fertilised by a sperm.
Further Resources
How can I feel more confident and have better sex?
OVERVIEW
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Every person has an emotional range. It is normal to feel low and negative at times. It is important to recognise your own emotional reactions. When times are hard, a common and natural reaction is to become increasingly judgmental and critical of yourself and others. It is good to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, and learn to express them. Your relationship with yourself is the most consistent relationship in your life, and it impacts all of your other relationships. A healthy relationship with yourself will help you to recognise if you are forming unhealthy habits in your relationships with others. It is important to recognise whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy, as this will help you to learn and move on from relationships that are negatively affecting you.
“Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognising ‘I am greater than all of those things.’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.” - Dr. Christina Hibbert, 2013.
If you ever feel depressed or even suicidal and think the world would be better without you, THIS IS NOT TRUE. You deserve to live your life as your true self, and there are people who can help you to remember that. Try to talk to someone you know and trust, and/or contact the Samaritans at 116 123 which is a free call number. In order to maintain healthy relationships (including with friends, people at work etc.), we need to be aware of, and understand, our emotions. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is one tool that can be useful for any person, in any type of relationship. The following acronyms containing letters for various skills may be useful for you:
DEAR MAN - for asserting yourself (expressing yourself confidently)
Describe the current situation.
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation; Use “I” statements e.g. I feel..
Assert yourself by asking for what you want, or saying “No.” clearly.
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time: explain consequences.
Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives: don’t be distracted.
Appear confident and effective: good eye contact, no stammering.
Negotiate - be willing to give to get.
GIVE - for building intimacy and understanding
Gentle - Be polite in your approach; no attacks, threats or judging.
Interested - Listen; be interested in the other person.
Validate - Validate the other person’s feelings about the situation.
Easy manner - Use an easy-going approach; smile.
FAST - for self-reflecting
Fair - Be fair to yourself and to the other person.
(No) Apologies - No apologies if you are not in the wrong e.g. for making a request, having an opinion, disagreeing, etc.
Stick - Stick to your own values. Be clear on what you believe is the moral way to act.
Truthful - Don’t lie, exaggerate or make excuses.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual orientation refers to who we feel attracted to. Heterosexual people (straight) are attracted to people of the opposite sex or gender; homosexual people (gay or lesbian) are attracted to people of the same sex or gender; bisexual people are attracted to people of both sexes or genders. Pansexual people are attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender. It may be difficult to be open about your sexual feelings. “Coming out” is a process of accepting yourself and deciding when to share your orientation with others. This process can be daunting, exciting and confusing and you may feel isolated from others at times. What is important is that you know you are not alone. There are many people who have gone through what you are going through. If you need advice, or if you just want to talk to someone about how you are feeling, you can contact the Sexual Health Centre or one of the other organisations listed at the end of this booklet.
VIRGINITY
Virginity is an idea (or lots of different ideas). It is not a medical concept. What you consider to be virginity is usually influenced by your cultural background and religious upbringing, so virginity means different things to different people. There is a lot of false information regarding what virginity is, and who is or is not a virgin. For example, some think that people are virgins unless they have had sex involving a penis inserted into a vagina, but this way of thinking excludes lots of different sexual activities. It is also a heteronormative view of sex i.e., this way of thinking often excludes or ignores people who are not heterosexual. The concept of virginity has also been used to judge women and people assigned female at birth, and label them as ‘pure’, ‘prudish’, ‘respectable’, ‘unworthy of respect’ etc. This is a very harmful, incorrect and sexist viewpoint. Being sexually active or not sexually active is not an indicator of whether someone is worthy of respect. The concept of ‘virginity’ is outdated and irrelevant in many ways. What matters is that you feel comfortable and informed about your sexuality and the decisions you make regarding sexual activity (i.e. doing or not doing whatever is right for you). Some girls, women and people assigned female at birth become concerned about their hymen breaking, and its connection to virginity. However, the hymen may be broken as a result of lots of day-to-day activities. It has nothing to do with ‘proving’ your virginity.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO START YOUR SEXUAL LIFE?
It might seem weird but this is an important question. Many people may just have sex with someone because they don’t want to say no or be left out. You do not need to prove anything to anyone regarding your sexuality, or sex life. Prioritise becoming comfortable with your own body and sexuality first. If you feel ready, comfortable, safe and excited to share a sexual experience with others, you will be much more likely to enjoy the experience. There is no rush!
SEX IS MUCH MORE THAN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
While there is no set pattern to good sexual relationships, you can have fun, be safe and learn useful skills by not rushing into physical sexual activity. Flirting, chatting up, hanging out, dating, breaking up, touching, holding hands, kissing, talking, fondling outside clothes, fondling under clothes, stimulating of genitals etc. are all part of developing sexual relationships. It is also important to remember that sexual activity is an experience, not a performance! It can be a lovely, fun and exciting experience to share with someone, and you do not ever need to ‘act’ as though you are enjoying it if you would prefer to stop or just go slow.
SEXUAL ACTIVITIES
Puberty brings changes in feelings as well as bodily changes. Sexual desire becomes a more important part of healthy social and personal relationships. It helps you to understand your own thoughts and feelings so you know what is right for you. Sex can be one of life’s greatest pleasures. But it can also be very disappointing, frustrating or embarrassing. It can make you feel very vulnerable. It helps if we understand our sexuality and can communicate with our partners. Intimacy takes time and familiarity.
BY YOURSELF
Masturbation refers to stimulating your own genitals, usually with your hands or a sex toy. It is perfectly normal and safe. Knowing how your own body gets turned on can really help, if and when you do have sex with someone. If you know what you like then you can show the other person what works for you. Orgasm is the climax or peak of sexual excitement. It usually involves pleasurable feelings and rhythmic contractions of the muscles. Ejaculation is the expulsion of fluid from the genitals. Usually, people assigned male at birth orgasm and ejaculate at the same time. For people assigned female at birth, ejaculation of fluid is not always associated with orgasm. This means that many girls, women and people assigned female at birth may require stimulation of the clitoris with fingers or sex toys to reach orgasm. This is why it’s helpful to get to know your own body and what kind of stimulation you enjoy, before sharing sexual experiences with others.
WITH OTHERS
Most sexual experiences will start with a kiss or at least include kissing at some point. Everyone has their own individual style of kissing, so when you’re still getting used to your own kissing style, it can help to start slow and gently! Sex is not just about having sexual intercourse. It can include lots of things like kissing, touching, fondling, mutual masturbation (stimulating another person’s genitals), or self-masturbation. Safer sex involves giving and receiving ongoing consent, and giving and receiving sexual pleasure without passing semen, vaginal fluids or blood into your or your partner’s body. Safer sex ensures that everyone involved is fully respected and protected. It prevents unexpected pregnancies and transmission of STIs (see section on STIs below).
ORAL SEX
Oral sex is using the mouth or tongue to arouse the genitals of a sexual partner. Oral sex can be given and received by people of all genders. Oral sex is a personal preference - some people love it and others don’t like it at all. It is important that you are comfortable with what you do. Do not give oral sex if you have cold sores, as you could spread herpes (see section on STIs). Flavoured condoms can be used for oral sex.
VAGINAL SEX
Vaginal sex involves the penetration of a person’s vagina, with another person’s fingers, penis, or a sex toy.
ANAL SEX
Anal sex involves the penetration of a person’s anus, usually with another person’s penis, sex toy or fingers. If you are having anal sex it is very important to use a good quality condom and lubricant. It is important that you are comfortable with what you do. You should never feel pressurised into doing things you are not happy about.
SEXUAL ACTIVITY CHECKLIST
The age of consent for sexual intercourse is 17. Before sharing any sexual experience with another person, such as mutual masturbation, oral sex, or any of the other activities listed in this booklet, it might be helpful to see if the statements below are true for you:
My potential sexual partner and I have had conversations about using condoms and contraception.
We have discussed the implications of becoming pregnant (if that is a risk for my sexual partner and I).
I want to take part in a sexual activity for myself, not just because someone else wants me to or thinks I should.
We have discussed what we would do if the condom bursts or rips.
We can have fun together without actually having sex.
I am not being forced or pressured to have sex.
In our relationship (or friendship), I feel like it would be completely accepted if I say no to any particular physical or sexual interaction. I feel like there is no pressure at all to do anything that I don’t feel comfortable and excited about.
I feel comfortable and confident saying no or yes to any physical interactions.
You probably won’t be ready for sex until you can tick all these boxes but remember even once you are ready – it still doesn’t mean you have to! If you have already had sex, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex again any time soon! You can take some time out if you prefer.
PREGNANCY
Sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy. If you are worried about getting pregnant, talk to someone you trust or contact an organisation listed at the back of this booklet for help. It is especially important to seek out support if you do not have support from your family or friends. You will also find useful information in this booklet in the section about your menstrual cycle. You can get pregnant at any stage during your menstrual cycle.
HOW DOES PREGNANCY START?
Conception begins when the male sperm and female egg meet and unite in the female fallopian tubes. Conception is the start of pregnancy. A full-term pregnancy lasts for approximately nine months before the birth of a baby. Ovulation is when the egg is released from the ovary. This is the time you are most likely to get pregnant. It usually happens around 11 to 16 days into your menstrual cycle. However every person is different, so do not take this for granted. Get to know your own cycle. The sperm is ejaculated into the vagina during sexual intercourse. If the egg is fertilised (when the male sperm meets the female ovum), it travels up the fallopian tube to the uterus where it embeds in the lining. Hundreds of millions of sperm are ejaculated but it just takes a single sperm to fertilise the female egg. There are two ovaries, one at the end of each fallopian tube. They produce and store the eggs (ova). Each egg has the potential to be fertilised by a sperm.
SEXUAL PLEASURE
Sex can be an important part of building and maintaining a relationship and getting to know your partner(s). Sex that is pleasurable can be really good for our physical and emotional well-being. There are lots of ways to have and enjoy sex. Learning what we find pleasurable is a first step; we can then communicate what we want and like to sexual partners. Those of us in the LBQ community can enjoy and engage in an array of sexual experiences, and there are as many different ways to explore our sexual pleasure as there are different bodies and abilities. Some will experience penetration as pleasurable and others may not enjoy it at all. Some may not like to be touched but like to touch, and others might not find sex appealing at all for a variety of reasons, all of which is perfectly ok. Orgasms (also known ‘climaxing’) can be an intense feeling of sexual pleasure, but the ease, frequency and experience of achieving orgasm varies from person to person. For some, reaching orgasm can be simple and multiple orgasms are possible, but for others it might take time or depend on how comfortable they feel physically and emotionally. Orgasms, while they can be an excellent addition to any sexual encounter, are not required for good sex.
Further Resources
Why does sex hurt, and what can I do about it?
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. DOES IT HURT THE FIRST TIME SOMEBODY HAS SEX?
A. Sex should not be painful for anyone. The first time can be a daunting new experience and may be slightly uncomfortable for some people at first. Take your time and communicate with your partner throughout to ensure the best possible experience for both of you.
Q. WHAT IS THE AVERAGE PENIS SIZE?
A. The average penis size is approximately 3 inches when flaccid (not erect), although everyone is different and should not compare themselves to others. A penis can be much the same size when flaccid and erect or there may be a big difference between the penis when it is flaccid or erect. Both are perfectly normal.
Q. WHAT IS A YEAST INFECTION (THRUSH)?
A. Anyone can get a yeast infection, even if they are not sexually active. It mostly affects girls, women and people assigned female at birth. A yeast infection causes a PH imbalance in the vagina, producing a heavy discharge and irritation. It is easily treated with over the counter products from the pharmacy. Thrush is not an STI, but can be transferred between partners during sexual contact. Using non-perfumed products and wearing cotton underwear can help prevent a yeast infection from occurring.
Q. CAN FLAVOURED CONDOMS BE USED FOR PENETRATIVE SEX?
A. No – flavoured condoms have chemicals and sugars present in the flavouring. This can affect the pH balance in the vagina and lead to yeast infections or irritation. Flavoured condoms should only be used for oral sex.
Q. IS IT SAFER TO USE TWO CONDOMS?
A. Never use two condoms together as this will cause friction and may result in the condoms ripping or tearing.
Q. IS IT POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO GET PREGNANT WHEN ON THEIR PERIOD?
A. Yes, it is possible for someone to get pregnant during their period as a person may ovulate (release an egg) more than once a month. Even though there is a more fertile time of the month (11-16 days into a menstrual cycle), there is never a 100% ‘safe’ time of the month.
Q. IS VAGINAL AND/OR CLITORAL ORGASM ALWAYS ACHIEVABLE?
A. Orgasms are different for everyone - some people will not have the same type and frequency of orgasms as other people. People will get pleasure (and/or orgasm) from stimulation of different parts of their body and genitals. Some studies have shown that within cisgender heterosexual couples, men reach orgasm much more often than women. Researchers do not know for certain why this is the case, but some blame cultural and societal perspectives and a lack of education regarding pleasure. This is why it is so important to be comfortable and understanding of your own body, desires and boundaries, and to be relaxed with whoever you are sharing sexual experiences with.
Q. IF SOMEONE SWALLOWS SPERM CAN THEY GET PREGNANT?
A. No - you cannot get pregnant from swallowing sperm. Sperm has to enter the vagina for pregnancy to occur. However there is a risk of STI infection.
Q. CAN ANAL SEX LEAD TO PREGNANCY?
A. While penetration of a person’s anus does not cause pregnancy, it could lead to pregnancy if semen leaks into the vulva.
Further Resources
I’m having problems in my relationship.
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
All relationships have their ups and downs and not every challenge, or behaviour that we dislike, indicates a toxic partner or unhealthy relationship. Patience and understanding goes a long way to helping decide what works for us, what our boundaries and limitations are, and where or when to draw the line with behaviours we won’t accept.
However, if our boundaries are being consistently pushed then that might be a sign of a fundamentally toxic or unhealthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship can be because of the behaviours of one or both partners. It is bad for our mental, emotional and physical health, and can even affect future relationships.
Signs of being in an unhealthy relationship might include:
• Regularly feeling confused, angry, trapped, scared, anxious or unwell because of the relationship.
• Loss of confidence, feeling depressed and worthless as a result of the behaviours within the relationship.
• Feeling pressurised by a partner to change how we look, dress and act.
• Being regularly monitored and controlled by a partner (physical, emotional and financial monitoring).
• Having to constantly adjust to a partner’s moods for fear of their physical, verbal or emotional reaction.
This is often the case when a partner is abusive one day and loving the next.
• Having relationships with other people discouraged or forbidden.
If we think we might be involved in an unhealthy relationship, it’s important to take steps to address it. Communication is the first step when seeking ways to make it healthier. If this doesn’t work, consider whether or not it’s time to let go of this relationship. If this is not an option, or not an immediate option, it’s important to find ways to care for ourselves. Talk to a friend or seek professional support. If you have concerns about your relationship, or communicating with your partner isn’t as effective as you would like, it’s always good to sound things out with a trusted friend or professional. See page 50 for useful contacts.
INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE (IPV)
Intimate partner violence describes physical or sexual violence, stalking, or psychological harm by a current or former partner, spouse, or any other person who has a close relationship with the victim. It does not require the relationship to be, or have been, one of sexual intimacy, although this may be the case. It can be a one-time episode of violence or can be ongoing abuse involving coercive control; emotional abuse; the destruction of property; isolation from friends, family and other sources of support; and control over access to money, personal items, food, transportation and the telephone of the victim.
Domestic violence/intimate partner violence between women or people in the LBQ community comes with unique challenges such as shared community and social spaces, limited options for meeting new people or making other queer friends, and the possibility of continuously seeing or sharing space with an abuser. Research shows that bisexual and trans women are at higher risk of IPV*. If you are experiencing IPV, want to leave an abusive situation, or are a survivor of this type of violence, there are supports available to help you to make the choices that are right for you.
Things you could consider doing are:
• Talk to your GP.
• Talk to someone you trust and make a safety plan.
• Seek Court Orders that could help protect you.
• In an emergency call 112 or 999.
• Women who are experiencing domestic violence can call the Women’s Aid 24hr National Freephone Helpline (1800 341 900).
• If you need to talk to someone in confidence about sexual assault, call the National 24-Hour Helpline at 1800 77 88 88.
Given the high instance of women who report experiencing sexual harassment, assault or rape, we understand that sexual experiences, preferences and freedoms may be impacted by trauma for many. Even consensual sexual intimacy or physicality can trigger feelings connected to a past trauma, so it’s important to be aware of this possibility and to leave room for healing and understanding, both as individuals, and as partners.
*Rollè L, Giardina G, Caldarera AM, Gerino E and Brustia P (2018) When Intimate Partner Violence Meets Same Sex Couples: A Review of Same Sex Intimate Partner Violence. Front. Psychol. 9:1506. doi: 10.3389/ fpsyg.2018.01506
Further Resources
What does a healthy relationship look like?
Overview
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Every person has an emotional range. It is normal to feel low and negative at times. It is important to recognise your own emotional reactions. When times are hard, a common and natural reaction is to become increasingly judgmental and critical of yourself and others. It is good to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, and learn to express them. Your relationship with yourself is the most consistent relationship in your life, and it impacts all of your other relationships. A healthy relationship with yourself will help you to recognise if you are forming unhealthy habits in your relationships with others. It is important to recognise whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy, as this will help you to learn and move on from relationships that are negatively affecting you.
“Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognising ‘I am greater than all of those things.’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.” - Dr. Christina Hibbert, 2013.
If you ever feel depressed or even suicidal and think the world would be better without you, THIS IS NOT TRUE. You deserve to live your life as your true self, and there are people who can help you to remember that. Try to talk to someone you know and trust, and/or contact the Samaritans at 116 123 which is a free call number. In order to maintain healthy relationships (including with friends, people at work etc.), we need to be aware of, and understand, our emotions. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is one tool that can be useful for any person, in any type of relationship. The following acronyms containing letters for various skills may be useful for you:
DEAR MAN - for asserting yourself (expressing yourself confidently)
Describe the current situation.
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation; Use “I” statements e.g. I feel..
Assert yourself by asking for what you want, or saying “No.” clearly.
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time: explain consequences.
Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives: don’t be distracted.
Appear confident and effective: good eye contact, no stammering.
Negotiate - be willing to give to get.
FAST - for self-reflecting
Fair - Be fair to yourself and to the other person.
(No) Apologies - No apologies if you are not in the wrong e.g. for making a request, having an opinion, disagreeing, etc.
Stick - Stick to your own values. Be clear on what you believe is the moral way to act.
Truthful - Don’t lie, exaggerate or make excuses.
GIVE - for building intimacy and understanding
Gentle - Be polite in your approach; no attacks, threats or judging.
Interested - Listen; be interested in the other person.
Validate - Validate the other person’s feelings about the situation.
Easy manner - Use an easy-going approach; smile.
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS LBQ
Our community can often lack visible role models in relation to healthy relationships, so it’s important to know the signs of a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship we are more likely to feel positive and confident. Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy behaviours helps us to evaluate our relationships.
In a healthy relationship, on the whole we should feel:
• Positive and comfortable about ourselves
• Confident
• Loved, wanted, needed, and useful
• That our opinions and our physical and emotional boundaries are respected, even if they differ from our partners’.
Good communication is key – if there’s a problem or challenge in the relationship, it’s important that we feel like we can talk to the other person about it. It’s also essential that we can share or discuss what’s on our minds and feel heard. When a relationship is healthy we feel comfortable being our true selves. We accept each other for who we are and generally feel relaxed in each other’s company.
Further Resources
I’m confused about what consent really means.
CONSENT WHAT IS CONSENT?
Consent is an agreement to participate in a specific activity or action. It cannot be forced. It must be mutual, voluntary, enthusiastic and ongoing agreement.
• Mutual - because every person that is involved must give consent.
• Voluntary - because it’s not consent if someone is pressured into agreeing.
• Enthusiastic - because it is important that every person that is involved actually wants to be involved, and is not just going along with it for others’ benefit.
• Ongoing - because you need to give and receive consent before and during each and every act.
WHEN IS CONSENT NEEDED?
• Consent is crucial for any physical or sexual interaction, including something as simple as holding someone’s hand.
• In the context of sex, consent means a mutual, voluntary, enthusiastic agreement between people to participate in any specific sexual activity. It must be given freely and cannot be forced.
• Sexual contact without consent means that someone is abusing, assaulting and/or raping another person.
• It is important that consent is ongoing i.e. before any and every sexual act. Just because someone has agreed to one thing does not mean that they agree to anything else! For example, if two people have consented to kissing each other, that does not count as consent for fondling each other’s bodies.
Consent is needed for every specific activity. This applies to sexual activity in real life as well as online and messaging.
Sexual abuse includes any non-consensual sexual acts. For example, forcing, tricking or guilting someone in to participating in a sexual activity is abusive.
CAN ANYONE GIVE CONSENT?
No - some people are not capable of giving consent according to Irish law. If they say ‘yes’ to any sexual interaction, it does not count as consent.
This includes:
• If you are not clear minded e.g., drunk to the point of incapacity. You can not give consent.
• If you are under the age of 17. You can not give consent.
• If you are incapable of understanding the nature or consequences of the sexual act, or incapable of communicating consent, due to a mental or intellectual disability or mental illness. You can not give consent.
Some people with mental or intellectual disabilities or mental illnesses are capable of giving consent, while others are not. It depends on the type and extent of the disability or illness.
If someone has been drinking alcohol or consuming other drugs, it is much more difficult to give your consent and to receive another person’s consent. No sexual activity should occur if there is ever any mixed messages, doubt or confusion.
Child sexual abuse is when a child is used by another person for their sexual arousal or for that of others. If you are worried about sexual abuse, please contact a rape crisis or sexual violence centre which supports people who have been sexually assaulted or abused.
WHO NEEDS TO GIVE AND RECEIVE CONSENT?
• Everyone involved in a physical or sexual interaction.
• Before any physical or sexual contact with another person, it is essential that you have already received their consent and you have already given them your consent.
RECOGNISING CONSENT
• The absence of ‘NO’ does not mean ‘yes’ - if it is not clear, it is not consent.
• People have the right to change their mind or withdraw consent at any time.
• No circumstance will ever give you ownership of another person’s body. For example, being in a relationship does not give you any ownership or control of another person. Sexual contact without consent is abuse, assault and/or rape.
• Nobody is ever entitled to a sexual experience or physical contact with you. It is a joint, voluntary decision.
• It is important to understand your desires and limits (what you’re comfortable with), and become comfortable communicating those to your sexual partner(s).
• It is vital that any sexual experience is for the enjoyment of every person involved - if someone no longer wants to do it, there is no consent.
• You have to consistently communicate with the other person. Even if both of you agreed to a sexual activity, someone could change their mind or become uncomfortable. This is totally normal.
• Any sexual communication online or by phone requires consent e.g. sexting.
• It is okay if you have questions about how to give and receive consent. Giving and receiving consent is something that you need to become comfortable with and informed about before you take part in sexual activity with others. If you would like advice regarding how to communicate consent with a potential sexual partner, you can contact the Sexual Health Centre for support and information.
MISINFORMATION ABOUT CONSENT AND ASSAULT
Many people in Ireland are misinformed about why assault happens. The Eurobarometer survey showed that:
• Almost 1 in 10 Irish respondents believed that if you voluntarily go home with someone or wear revealing, “provocative”or “sexy” clothing, this could justify non-consensual sexual activity.
• Almost 1 in 4 Irish respondents believed that women are more likely to be raped by a stranger than someone they know.
These are misinformed, harmful beliefs, based on prejudice, a lack of understanding, and a judgemental victim-blaming mentality.
The behaviour and clothing of an assault victim is completely irrelevant. The idea that clothing could be “provocative” is incorrect, and it takes responsibility away from the person who is abusing and puts the blame on the person who is being abused. Sexual assault and abuse is never the victim’s fault.
Many studies have proven that sexual offences are usually committed by somebody that the victim already knows.
RECENT HISTORY OF CONSENT AND IRISH LAW
Ireland has a very negative history regarding consent and the right to control what happens to your own body. This is interlinked with the history of shame in Irish society about sexuality and sexual health, and the historical, institutional abuse of the sexual health rights of women and sexual minorities.
• Until 1990, Irish law said that a man could not be found guilty of rape if the person being abused was his wife. This meant that women in Ireland were not legally protected from assault, and men were protected by law if they assaulted their wives.
• Until 2017, Irish law did not have any clear statement to define what counted as consent to a sexual activity.
• Many people who suffer rape and other sexual assaults are reluctant to report the crime because they do not trust the legal system, and because of the judgement in Irish society towards people who report sexual assault.
Further Resources
I’m questioning my sexuality or gender identity.
Feeling confused about your sexuality or gender identity? That's totally okay.
Sometimes, figuring out who you are can feel overwhelming and not easy at all—especially when it comes to your sexuality or gender identity. Maybe you're wondering why you don’t feel like you fit in the labels you've grown up with, or you’re questioning who you’re attracted to. Whatever you're feeling, just know this: it’s okay. You’re not alone, and there’s no rush to have all the answers.
Questioning your identity
You might have heard terms like gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, or non-binary. But what if none of those quite feel right? Or what if they do, but you're not sure yet? That’s completely fine! Questioning your identity is a normal part of life, especially as you grow older and learn more about yourself. And if you feel identified with a specific label and then change your mind, it’s also fine!
Sexuality and gender exist on a spectrum. While society often talks about things in binaries—male/female, straight/gay—the reality is, there’s so much more in between. You might feel attracted to people of any gender or none at all. You might not feel like the gender you were assigned at birth really matches how you feel inside. If that's the case, remember there’s no "right" way to be, and there's no rush to label yourself.
The Genderbread person
The Genderbread person is a great online resource that illustrates this. You can find this resource on this link: The Genderbread Person version 4 - ❤ It's Pronounced Metrosexual (itspronouncedmetrosexual.com)
Your feelings are real—Even if others don’t understand
It can be tough when people close to you, like your family or friends, don’t understand what you’re going through. Maybe you've tried to talk about your feelings, only to be told, “It’s just a phase”. But the truth is, you know yourself better than anyone else. Your feelings are real, and it’s okay to explore them, no matter what others say.
Many young people struggle with being accepted by their families when they come out. Some people come out at a young age, but not everyone does. Coming out is your choice, and you should do it when you feel safe and ready. You can find a specific blog about “Coming Out” in the hub blog: [insert coming out blog link].
The important thing is that you feel supported, whether by friends, a community, or organisations like the Sexual Health Centre.
There’s no one way to explore your identity
You might be asking yourself, "What if I don’t fit into any of these labels?" or "What if I’m wrong about who I am?" The simple answer is: it's okay. It’s normal to question, to explore, and to take time to figure things out. Some people know their identity early on, while for others, it’s a journey that takes time. What matters is that you’re honest with yourself and give yourself the space to explore what feels right for you.
If you’re feeling pressure to define yourself, remember that there’s no deadline for figuring this out, and no one should be pressuring you to do this. Whether you're exploring your sexual orientation, gender identity, or both, take things at your own pace. If you're unsure about labels, it's perfectly okay to say, "I'm figuring it out."
You're not alone: support is out there
It’s normal to feel anxious or lonely when you’re questioning your identity. Sometimes, it can feel like you’re the only one going through this, but you’re not. Many young people are in the same boat. Whether you're feeling uncertain, confused, or even a little scared, support is available.
The Sexual Health Centre in Cork is here to help with free services, including LGBTQIA+ support and counselling. We can also connect you with other resources and projects in Ireland if you're looking for more information or just someone to talk to.
Take Care of Yourself
It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to take your time. It’s okay to feel scared or unsure. Just remember that your feelings are valid, and your identity is yours to define. Be kind to yourself, take things one step at a time, and reach out when you need support. No matter where you are on your journey, you're allowed to be exactly who you are.
Further Resources
How do I come out to the people I care about?
What Does It Mean to Come Out?
Coming out means sharing your sexual orientation or gender identity with others. This could mean coming out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, or any other identity that feels right for you. Some people know from a young age and feel ready to share it early on, while others take more time. In Ireland, the average age for coming out is getting younger, with many LGBTQI+ youth sharing their identity in their teens according to the last ‘Being LGBTQI+ in Ireland’ research published this year.
“The average age of awareness of one’s LGBTQI+ identity was 14 years old while the average age of disclosure was 19 years. A small proportion (3%) of the sample had not come out to anybody, most of whom were cisgender, bisexual and aged under 25”. (Being LGBTQI+ in Ireland, 2024).
Coming out is an important and often emotional process for individuals who identify as LGBTQI+. It involves sharing a part of who you are with those you care about. Coming out can be both exciting and daunting, and each person's experience is unique.
What to consider?
When coming out, it's essential to consider who you feel safe and comfortable sharing your identity with. You might start by sharing with a close friend or family member who you trust will be supportive. It’s important to remember that coming out is your decision, and you should do it at your own pace. There’s no right or wrong way to come out, and some people may choose to be open about their sexuality or gender identity with everyone, while others may prefer to keep it private.
Reactions from those you care about can vary. Some may immediately offer support and love, while others may need time to understand. It’s okay if someone doesn’t react in the way you hoped at first, as many people need time to process new information. Some will not understand, but in this case, it is about support and respect even though they could struggle to understand.
Remember, you are not responsible for others' reactions. What’s important is that you feel free to express your true self and that you come out on your terms. Make sure you’re in a safe environment, and don’t feel pressured to tell everyone at once.
It may be difficult to be open about your sexual feelings. “Coming out” is a process of accepting yourself and deciding when to share your orientation with others. This process can be daunting, exciting and confusing and you may feel isolated from others at times. What is important is that you know you are not alone. There are many people who have gone through what you are going through.
Support Networks in Ireland
In Ireland, support networks can make a huge difference when coming out. LGBTQI+ organisations like BeLongTo, or the Sexual Health Centre, LINC and the Gay Project in Cork, offer safe spaces, peer support, and resources to help guide you through the process. According to the same research mentioned before, LGBTQI+ community groups provide critical emotional support, reducing feelings of isolation and fostering a sense of belonging.
Unfortunately, coming out isn’t always easy. While Ireland is becoming more accepting, challenges like bullying, family rejection, and fear of discrimination still exist. These issues can have a significant impact on mental health, especially for young LGBTQI+ people.
If you’re struggling with these feelings, reaching out to a counsellor, or LGBTQI+ support service can help. At the end of this page, you will find some services that can support you. It's important to remember that being true to yourself is a process, and your mental health and wellbeing matter above all else.
Sources: https://www.belongto.org/app/uploads/2024/04/FINAL-Being-LGBTQI-in-Ireland-Full-Report.pdf
Further Resources
Hello, World!
Why can’t I orgasm or keep an erection?
OVERVIEW
Why Can’t I Orgasm or Keep an Erection?
If you’ve ever wondered why you’re having difficulties reaching orgasm or keeping an erection, know that you’re not alone. These are common concerns that many young people and adults experience at different times in their lives. Let’s talk about what could be happening and how to take care of yourself along the way.
Why Can’t I Orgasm?
First off, let’s clear up something important: everyone’s body is different, and orgasms can happen in different ways for different people. If you are not sure what is an orgasm you can visit the below pages for more information:
Male Orgasm: Male Orgasm – GOSHH Ireland
Female Orgasm: Female Orgasm – GOSHH Ireland
Now, just because you’re not reaching orgasm every time doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Here are some things that might be affecting your ability to orgasm:
Pressure and Expectations: Sometimes, we feel like we have to orgasm to make sex or masturbation “successful.” But thinking too much about it can actually make it harder to relax and enjoy the moment. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or your partner to orgasm every time. Although orgasm can be a highly pleasurable experience, there are other aspects to enjoy as sex is much more than orgasms. If you are with your partner, you can even set a day where orgasm is not allowed and see what happens!
Getting to Know Your Body: If you’re still learning what feels good to you, that’s totally okay! Understanding what kinds of touch, rhythm, and sensations feel right takes time. Masturbation can be a great way to explore this by yourself. For people with vulvas, it’s also common not to orgasm from penetration alone—many people need stimulation to their clitoris to reach orgasm. Once you are more clear about what feels good to you, the next important step is being able to communicate this to the other person.
Mental Health and Stress: Things like stress, anxiety, or feeling low can affect your ability to reach orgasm. If you’re distracted or feeling worried about school, college, relationships, or life in general, it can be hard to relax and enjoy sexual experiences. Sex is also about our emotional and psychological health.
Why Can’t I Keep an Erection?
For people with penises, struggling to keep an erection can be frustrating and sometimes embarrassing, but it’s more common than you might think. Here are some reasons why this might be happening:
Performance Pressure: Like orgasms, feeling like you have to perform in a certain way can make things difficult. If you’re worried about making sure everything “goes right,” this can actually lead to losing your erection, and this is why many young people can experience this. It’s important to remember that sex doesn’t have to follow a script, and sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned.
Physical Causes: Erections depend on a mix of things—blood flow, nerves, hormones, and more. If your body is tired, if you’ve been drinking alcohol or other drugs, taking some specific medications, or if you're stressed out, this can make it harder to maintain an erection.
Expectations and Porn: The way erections are shown in porn can give a really unrealistic idea of how bodies work in real life. Erections aren’t always instant or long-lasting, and that’s perfectly normal. Your body doesn’t need to match what you see on a screen to be healthy or normal.
What Can I Do?
Whether you’re dealing with orgasms or erections difficulties, the most important thing is to listen to your body and give yourself time. Here are a few tips to help:
Relax and Take the Pressure Off: It’s easier to enjoy yourself when you’re not focused on performance. Try focusing on pleasure and connection, rather than just the end goal of orgasm or erection. Sometimes, changing up what you’re doing can help reset the situation.
Talk About It: If you’re with a partner, having an open and honest conversation can make a big difference. Let them know how you’re feeling and what you’re comfortable with. Communication can reduce pressure and help you both feel more relaxed. Most importantly, do not judge and be kind with yourself and your partner.
Explore what works: Don’t be afraid to take some time for yourself to figure out what feels good to your body. Masturbation is a great way to explore your own pleasure without any pressure from someone else. This can help you better understand what works for you during sex with a partner too.
Check in with your health: If you’re consistently struggling to orgasm or maintain an erection and it’s worrying you, it might be worth checking in with a healthcare provider. Sometimes, things like medication, hormonal changes, or other health issues can play a role.
Sex is more than erection, penetration and orgasm: This is linked to the first point around performance pressure. It is also good to pay attention to other sexual activities that do not involve an erection and where the goal is not necessarily an orgasm. Foreplay, erotic massages, kissing, mindful touching, caressing, and the list goes on, are activities that can provide pleasure and be a great benefit to increase intimacy and remove some performance pressure.
It’s All Part of the Journey
Remember, your body is unique and it’s okay to take time to understand it. Everyone has different experiences with sex and pleasure, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Whether you're trying to orgasm or maintain an erection, what matters most is that you're patient and kind to yourself along the way.
And if you ever need advice or support, there are resources available. The Sexual Health Centre offers free, confidential services where you can ask questions and talk through any concerns you have about your sexual health and wellbeing.
Further Resources
I’M STRUGGLING WITH HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY BODY.
OVERVIEW
BODY IMAGE
How you feel about your body is a big part of your overall well being. Everyone has their own unique body shape, size, and appearance. Body image is how you see yourself when you look in the mirror, how you think others see you, and how you feel in your body. It’s completely normal to have moments where you feel unsure or self-conscious, but it’s important to recognise that all bodies are good bodies!
HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO HELP YOU DEVELOP A HEALTHY BODY IMAGE:
REMEMBER: SOCIAL MEDIA ISN’T REALITY
The images you see on social media and other media (including porn) are often heavily edited or filtered. Nobody looks perfect all the time, even if it seems that way online.
It’s easy to compare yourself to others, but remember that everyone’s body is different, and that’s what makes us unique.
Consider reducing the time you spend on Social Media.
TRY TO STOP THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK
If you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about your body, try to flip it around. Be kind to yourself like you would to a friend.
Remind yourself of the parts of your body you appreciate. It could be something simple like, “I like my smile,” or “I’m proud of how strong my legs are.”
There’s no “right” way to look. Embrace what makes you unique!
UNFOLLOW ACCOUNTS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD
If certain social media accounts make you feel bad about your body or push unrealistic beauty standards, it’s okay to unfollow them.
Instead, follow accounts that promote body positivity and self-love.
TALK ABOUT HOW YOU’RE FEELING
If you’re struggling with your body image, it’s important to talk to someone you trust, like a friend, family member, or youth worker.
Sometimes just talking about how you’re feeling can help lift the pressure and remind you that you’re not alone.
Sometimes, you will interact with people, most of the time family or friends, that make comments about your body. Letting them know how you feel about those comments and asking them to stop can be really hard to do, but it can be helpful and make them stop.
CHALLENGE UNREALISTIC BEAUTY STANDARDS
Ireland, like much of the western society, has often promoted narrow ideas of what beauty looks like. But more and more people are speaking out against unrealistic beauty standards.
You can be part of the change by embracing and supporting body diversity, and by recognising that real beauty comes in all forms.
CELEBRITIES AND INFLUENCERS
You might enjoy looking at pictures of celebrities and influencers but the majority of pictures that we see are photoshopped or digitally enhanced ‘perfect’ portrayals of these people. In the ‘real world’, people are all different shades, shapes and sizes. If you are experiencing anxiety over your body shape or image, you are not alone. Contact a support network such as www.bodywhys.ie or any of the organisations listed at the end of this page.
Further Resources
HOW CAN I STAY SAFE WHILE SEXTING OR DATING ONLINE?
OVERVIEW
STAYING SAFE WHILE SEXTING/DATING ONLINE
INTERNET
The internet can be a great source of information; however it is important to keep in mind that a lot of the information provided on the internet is not always objective, correct or true. In an increasingly digital world, our online safety is more important than ever. Due to the growth of the internet and the number of internet users, online safety is becoming more complex. Safety issues come up in relation to online relationships, ‘cyber sex’ and sharing intimate images and videos online. Along with this comes an increased chance of exposure to various forms of abuse and exposure of personal information. For guidance on staying safe online, have a look at the following blogpost: www.sexualhealthcentre.com/blog/online-safety. Some issues that arise online come from social media safety, making comparisons with other people, body image, and porn consumption.
SOCIAL MEDIA
Social media provides a great opportunity for communicating with others. You can improve your safe use of social media if you:
• Limit the amount of personal information on your social media profile e.g. do not share your schools, hometowns and full date of birth etc.
• Accept only people you actively know as your friends, as unfortunately some people are not who they say they are.
• If chatting online, only speak with people you know.
• Do not let any photos be taken of you via webcam.
ONLINE BULLYING
• If you experience any bullying while online, you can screenshot the evidence, avoid responding and block or report the person. If the messages are ever threatening, you can report it to An Garda Siochána. You can also contact one of the support services at the end of this booklet, such as Childline.
SEXTING
• Sexting involves sharing sexual messages, and nude or sexual pictures and videos by message. When an image or video is shared, it is difficult to control whether it will be shared again with and by other people.
COCO’S LAW
• How you appear online should be up to you. Under Coco’s Law, It is illegal in Ireland to take, share or threaten to share intimate images or videos of someone without their consent. For example, if you take a picture of yourself and send it to someone, it is illegal for that person to share it without your consent. This includes edited content or ‘deep fakes’. If you were or are in a relationship with the person who has shared or threatened to share the content without your consent, this increases the seriousness of the crime, according to Irish law. You can contact one of the services listed at the end of this booklet for support. If someone shares your intimate images or videos without your consent, you can:
• Screenshot the shared content and images as evidence.
• Report it to An Garda Siochána
• Report it to the social media platform (if it is on a social media platform).
• Talk to someone you trust.
SEXUALISED CONTENT INVOLVING PEOPLE UNDER THE AGE OF 18
• It is illegal in Ireland to knowingly view, download or share sexualised content involving people under the age of 18, as it is classified as ‘child pornography’. This includes an image or video of a person aged under 18 engaging in sexual activity or showing their genitals. For example, if you are under 18, it is illegal for you to have or share a picture of your genitals. Edited, animated, or simulated content, as well as audio content can also be classified as ‘child pornography’. If you see (or if someone sends you) this type of content, you can contact An Garda Siochána and anonymously report the content on www.hotline.ie.
SAFETY WHILE DATING ONLINE
Dating online can be fun and exciting, but it’s important to stay safe. Meeting people online is becoming more common, but it also comes with its own set of risks. Here are some steps and tips to ensure that your online dating experience is both safe and enjoyable:
PROTECT YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION
Avoid sharing your full name, address, phone number, or other personal information too early. Keep your profile information general.
Be cautious about sharing any social media accounts that contain personal details, such as your location or workplace.
USE REPUTABLE PLATFORMS
Stick to dating apps or websites that have safety features, such as profile verification or reporting systems.
Check the platform’s privacy policies to make sure your data is protected. If you have any doubts on this, try to contact the platform’s customer service.
TAKE YOUR TIME
Don’t rush into meeting someone in person or sharing intimate details about your life. Take the time to get to know the person first.
If someone is pressuring you to meet or share personal information, that’s a red flag.
If you suspect someone is not being truthful about their identity, stop engaging with them and report their profile.
USE IN-APP COMMUNICATION
Keep conversations within the app or website until you feel comfortable. These platforms often have safety measures to protect users.
Avoid moving the conversation to private messaging apps or sharing your phone number too soon. Remember the previous: take your time.
VIDEO CHAT BEFORE MEETING
Arrange a video call before meeting in person. This helps confirm that the person you’re talking to is who they say they are.
It also gives you a chance to check their body language and communication style in real-time.
MEET IN PUBLIC FOR THE FIRST TIME
Always meet in a public place, like a coffee shop or restaurant, for your first date.
Let a friend or family member know where you’re going and who you’re meeting.
Keep your own transportation so you can leave whenever you feel the need.
Make sure your phone is charged and you are able to chat or make a call.
Avoid taking alcohol or other drugs during the first time. If you decide to go to a pub, do not leave your drink unattended.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS
If something feels off, don’t ignore it. Trust your gut and walk away from any situation that makes you uncomfortable.
You have the right to say no or leave at any point.
WATCH OUT FOR CATFISHING
Catfishing is when someone creates a fake profile to trick others into a relationship. Look out for inconsistencies in what the person says, refusal to video call, or reluctance to meet in person.
REPORT SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR
Most platforms have a way to report abusive or suspicious behavior. Don’t hesitate to use these tools if you feel unsafe.
Block anyone who makes you uncomfortable or who harasses you online.
BE MINDFUL OF YOUR SAFETY ON SOCIAL MEDIA
If you connect through social media, make sure your profiles are private and that you control who can see your posts.
Avoid “checking in” or tagging your location in real-time, especially when meeting someone new.
REMEMBER: CONSENT IS KEY
Just like in-person relationships, consent is essential in online dating. Make sure all interactions are mutual and respectful.
If you ever feel pressured or uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to stop communication.
YOUR SAFETY
Your safety is the most important thing, and you should never feel rushed or pressured into anything. If at any point you feel unsure about someone’s intentions or behavior, reach out to a friend or trusted adult for support. Online dating should be fun and enjoyable, but staying safe should always be your top priority.
RELATED ARTICLES
FURTHER RESOURCES
RETURN TO HUB
I’m a parent/carer/youth worker looking for help.
If you are a parent/carer/youth worker looking for help the following links maybe of interest to you:
I.T.K. Sexual Health Centre (intheknowgbmsm.ie)
Further Resources
